Briar Rose

Which girl who doesn't want to have a love life alike with Barbie and Ken? A great first time impression, connected with every life situations, and having a very happy ending. Without hesitation I admit I was being a girl from those countless groups out there who had always been dreaming to get one forever. But sticking around with the same dream by just sitting in the mud continuing to be detained in a puddle without reaching a lotus flower at there in the end, it was really tired. I've tried so many times with this circle, keep looking a prince figure whom I want to find, over and over again, ups and down. Too often to felt in love and had too many times for some broken hearts, met the right person in the wrong time and met the wrong person when I really needed someone to share made me decide to wait and never stopped trying, still hoping he'll be the one. Journeys from one formula to another formula had been studied, ultimately survived turned out to be my favorite subjects. That is one of the worst part in a woman, always want to feel like a hero and looks always right. I don't know why I wrote this dirty little secret to this public space, but I think i have to do this. Although it would be hard to be specified as a theme, let me free my words as a part of my history of life.

Some of my love relationship ended with uncertainty. Never cheated or having affair while predicated in a relationship with someone, always try to be a loyal and sweet tender little girl, and the stupidest thing which ever happened was not being myself while running a relationship, in the name of love, how stupid. Every time I decide to start a new one, I’ve made a promise in myself that I have to be a big girl, letting go everything which had happened in my past love life, even it was a very beautiful moment for sure. And I learned, and there’s always many lessons to be learned. Poor me, imagine you’ve done everything to make someone happy, always be there when he needs your fairy hands *absolutely hate this superwoman part. Gee, I wont do this again.

There were some boys whom I had fallen in love with some years ago. Flowers delivery every night, many short stories he had wrote in a weekly local newspaper, lots of uniqueness methods which always made me amaze, poems, periodically message on my favorite radio station, and lots of sweetness things which I cant hold on those. Thought me how to dream with our own thought, gave me freedom, everyday was so interesting. How forceful it was made.

Every time I felt a broken heart, I was just wishing that I was a musician who could play a piano and guitar so I wouldn’t give my precious tears down for nothing. I wish I don't have asthma and have an extra budget for having a cigarrette for wasting my time and forget this man, and many if-only-i-was. But I’m not that gifted one, I just made myself tired everyday with crying all night long listening too many songs until the morning came and poked me with a big-panda-eyes while my iPod earphone still stuck on my ears playing somebody’s lyrics, my heart felt so empty and felt like “God, please don't take him away from me, he’s my world” feeling. And I try to put my positive way everyday, I’m waiting and waiting. Remember nothing about this girl, and all of those made me so black and blue. I just gave sorry for myself, and told myself with how-stupid-you-are words.

Slowly but sure I've tried to move on, and kept on running with my world, I tried to fix my heart, but I’m not a person who could make a good relation of a lover turned into friend relationship, it’s so not me at all. So for my best, when I got the time realize  a relationship had to passed from my life, I  immediately erased and threw away everything related with. Phone number, photos, messages, stuffs, and anything, anything about the boyfriend-thing, I wont discuss any situation between me and him. It’s enough, I’m done. Either just one HI word, just no. This is the way to appreciate and give honor for myself.

And now, after many loves and broken hearts, I decide for not wasting my time to let stupidity tragedy ruin my life again but I’m so thankful for knowing that-missing-part people in my life. Apologize if I have to end the relationship with coldness, I’m sorry if I just hurt you with surrender for your ignorance, apologize if I won’t give you greetings anymore. I wouldn’t go if the reason not killing me too much, I wont stay with the uncertainty too long.

With this new lovely man, please wish me luck. Mystery and surprises still locking this castle of life. But his love and smiles will always work for this Belle.

I wrote this post a week before my wedding. And oh yes, I'm married at the present.

Another Love Affair

Big Bag, Big Child

Have you seen a movie about French cooking, Julie & Julia?

A movie about two women who have almost the same name and they both love cooking.

I think this would be my favorite movie after Serendipity, you know.. John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale.. New York love life, and as a person who had her little girl life, ofcourse there was a romance-dream life which is represented by a movie when I was a naive teenage girl.

Talking about Julie and Julia, when the first time I saw this movie, I just found a general-cooking-inventor movie.

The second time I saw this movie, I was falling in love with the pictures.. the fashion.. the soundtrack.. the scenes and the situation on viewed.

The third time I saw Julie and Julia after my dying-office-hour, I caught by a trigger of these two J(s) who have spirit for fighting their dream, cooking.

And for many times I've  watched this movie, I've made a word which succeed to boost my tick tock time, it is called as support.

If you pay your attention when watching this movie, it was almost 87% of the dialogue had been dominating by the women. It could be when Julia had a discussion with her not-as-tall-as-her husband, but always smiling when Julia just gave him many sighs, or could be a Julie's conversation which was shortly contended with her complaints all day long, home-train station-cubicle-client on her line life. But it was Erick -her husband- who had always been there, sticked and stone with his love although that was no sex while Julie was doing her project. Ups.

No, no.. I can not cook. You can't categorized me into an amatir chef with only if I had watched a movie about cooking. I'm not a person who could magically create a fantastic taste with only un-intentionally spices. I have a How To Cook - book for beginner in my ten centimeters away from my stove, hahaha.. So lucky you, girls who have your natural talent to learn about cooking.

I've challenged myself to did a psychological test a long long time ago. On that test I was concluded as a person who has less focus attention when doing something. So I think that's why I still have no competency while doing anything related to kitchen stuff, maybe it caused by it would need a lot of attention. Hm, but for someone out there named Isle, oh yeah sweetie, I'll learn hard to make some breakfast for you :)

my status for cooking competencies will be the same like my pic: blurry... :p

Back into Julie and Julia. After watching this movie so many times, I've asked myself, what is my passion? What is my passion means what is my true passion.When I was in a senior high school, it was my dream to have a twelve centimeters stilleto on my feet, wearing a gorgeous woman suit and great hair-do everyday. But those are only my out look. If I asked deeply to my brain, what would I do with that outfit? Gee, I still have no answer until now.So, what stuff that could make me interest into? Okey, i have to make some list:
(a) traveling (b) writing (c) family gathering (d) eating (e) creating art -thing (f) interior desigining (g) running (h)swimming (i) bicycling (j) shoes, movies, cats, Donald Duck.

Huh. The hardest thing in this world would be being honest to ourself. It's like some of this trash questions: do I really want this for my own life..? what should I do..? Although we have currently have some answer for that typical question. We just have to choose.
So, wow, all my interests seems like very simple activities huh? Oh my oh my..
I know it sounds a little weirdo, umh, but after I thought about this, I've made a decision: I took a resignation from my not yet 1 month employment in my new office. But ow wait, it's not only about missing some adventures or something which would be sound like that, but there's an important thing I have to handle for this year. And then, what do I do? I'm starting to find out and re-organize my life again. Will I get worried if I have no work to do, un-employed or something? Oh totally yes, ofcourse I would. Whatever my fuck ideology word is, I still need money for feeding my life, moreover I still want to fulfill my interests which is listed above, right? :p hahaha, no.. no.. you know, one day my mom had told me like this, "Mba, if you're getting success someday, make it all happen for helping many unlucky people out there, it would bring you a lot of happiness."
Then came a day in my life, delivering me about something. It was a conversation in a woman rest room in a building which is fully charged by many people's dreams in Jakarta. Yes, it was a toilet chit chat.
I usually leave my home at 5.30 am every Monday to Friday. Driving my car for at least one hour listening the jakarta's traffic, and if I didn't have many time for sticking make up on my face, I would do that after I've arrived in my office. At that time, I was giving a time to breath for my face cream, for being correctly pasted on my face before I put its friend named as compact powder. Then came a group of women, three ladies with their make-up kit and starting doing the same activity with me: bumblebee-ing our own face. The most interesting topic from their conversation was how bored they were if they have no office-hour life in their life. Their activities would be just cooking, serving their husband, feeding and playing with child, making friends with neighbours and their maids. They were arguing at each other that although they just have a little time for their family, they hope they could give some quality times when weekend and facilitated by all the stuffs they owned.
And I just felt get punked already, then I try to represented my life as a housewife. There might be a working woman conversation in my life with other housewives in our arisan* schedule.
We might be discuss them as unsuitable community who succesfully ignoring their family for their carrier, and it might be an envious feel and a jealous glance while those business ladies just walking around in front of my eyes with their gorgeous outlook and deadly fashionable style. But are those just enough?

My dad, always note his children with this: everytime you feel unsure with your life, the first thing to do is looking everyone around you who have a not-as-good-as-yours in their life.

How about the OfficeGirl officers, who just come to a place for cleaning dishes, mopping floor, toilet checking, and doing another activities equals in repeatedly in a day. How about a 35 years old man out there who always raise his hands to any people while riding his old motorcycle, wishing today would be many passengers behind his back. And how about a 150 centimeters wet young boy who standing inside the rain with his umbrella, not stopping offering his rain-service for those tie-shirt people. And another hows.
I'm totally sure they don't want to live a life like that.

I'm deeply wrong. This is not always about want it or not want it. Not always about take it or leave it. Also not always talking about need it or not need it. There are many reasons out there. The truth is woman just looking for secure feeling in their life, and this is the beginning for everything in woman's life.
Family, environment, experiences, passion.. are another ingredient as a food in a bowl. And how a woman may viewed as a succesfull person is how she could bring a balance in her two side world: reality and dream.

Finally, I'm wishing for many young ladies out there who have age younger than me and accidentally read this, I really really wish you're starting to find what your future life would be in your dream, therefore you may not wasting your time like I do. Please find something to learn in each and everyday, it could be from your friends, your own life, books, movies, your everyday newspaper man or a stewardess you've met in a plane on your vacation trip.

As my mom has told me, big bag - big child.
And when you feel satisfied with your own life in the future, you may say.. Bon Appetite :)

Julia with her husband

Julie and hubby

*the collection of money or items that have the same value among several people periodically and each time one of those people will get the money or items by lot until all of them have received their turns.

Back Into Shape

Aloha new year runners :D Heiii.. What've you been doing for these four new days beside planning some resolutions :D?? I know u'll agree if I said that it feels fully rechargeable if we always have a time boundaries right?! New year, new life, new born.. All of the new stuffs always give the spirit for a new beginning.. it's like.. um.. new boyfie..!!

Hehe.. After struggled for some months, finally I've found somebody new. Somebody who really much much much better than before as a partner in my life. His name is Fahmi, but i call him Isle, a sweet and very handsome youngman. I feel really really blessed for having him in my life. I always happy when having him around, he makes me laugh with his very-old-fashion jokes (huhu, sorry sweetie.. but you're very great when doing those!), when I feel miserable it feels everything will be just fine with only hug him tight, his kisses just make me feel safe and warm. Hhh.. lucky me for falling in love with him.. (huhu..) At least for these five months he's the greatest boyfriend in the world, hopefully it will last forever ya my Isle.. :)
He's four years older than me, both of us are belonging in Capricorn Community. I hate to say this, but his cutey face makes me 2 years older than him! Huh!

Having him around just like having plenty vitamins for starting over all of my activities everyday. We can talk about everything, we can sing about anything, we discuss about everyone in this world, we read the sky and the wind together, and we learn each other with what our own life been running without complaining at each other. As my mother had told me once upon a time, she said that a great partner is someone who will always support you to the way of happiness leading, and when God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust him fully coz there's only one of the two things will happen; either he will catch you when you fall or he will teach you how to fly. I'm wishing I can get this from him.

Talking about new thing, i'm in a mission to search a new job for this year. Although a chance for continuing my further education as a psychologist still not walking near me around until now, but from psychology I can still learn about the way I have to know myself to make myself happy. When there's a sign for something which starting make my life not normaly breathing, I'll ask myself, do i really want to do this? What's the reason i have to stand longer than this? This isn't about good or bad nor best or worst. With having some choices, I feel alive. As a friend told me, u may not feel confuse when it's hard to decide. You must be thankful you still have a chance to choose, many people out there couldn't have a choice at all. Whether what i'll have forward, i hope i still have time for not feeling a glass ceiling syndrom ;)

Reviewing all of my statements up there, I think I don't have any resolution for this year, but for my daily project I'm challenging myself to be more happy and not wasting my time. To be more happy I'll search and do everything I enjoy to get in to. I just want to have an interesting and inspiring life. Oh yeah, I think I have an interesting issue for my next post, this' inspired by a chit-chat that my boyfriend and I discussed in our latest date last weekend. Enjoy your first week in 2010 everybody!! Gbu :)

'roomy...' that's the way he always says when calling me =P