Briar Rose

Which girl who doesn't want to have a love life alike with Barbie and Ken? A great first time impression, connected with every life situations, and having a very happy ending. Without hesitation I admit I was being a girl from those countless groups out there who had always been dreaming to get one forever. But sticking around with the same dream by just sitting in the mud continuing to be detained in a puddle without reaching a lotus flower at there in the end, it was really tired. I've tried so many times with this circle, keep looking a prince figure whom I want to find, over and over again, ups and down. Too often to felt in love and had too many times for some broken hearts, met the right person in the wrong time and met the wrong person when I really needed someone to share made me decide to wait and never stopped trying, still hoping he'll be the one. Journeys from one formula to another formula had been studied, ultimately survived turned out to be my favorite subjects. That is one of the worst part in a woman, always want to feel like a hero and looks always right. I don't know why I wrote this dirty little secret to this public space, but I think i have to do this. Although it would be hard to be specified as a theme, let me free my words as a part of my history of life.

Some of my love relationship ended with uncertainty. Never cheated or having affair while predicated in a relationship with someone, always try to be a loyal and sweet tender little girl, and the stupidest thing which ever happened was not being myself while running a relationship, in the name of love, how stupid. Every time I decide to start a new one, I’ve made a promise in myself that I have to be a big girl, letting go everything which had happened in my past love life, even it was a very beautiful moment for sure. And I learned, and there’s always many lessons to be learned. Poor me, imagine you’ve done everything to make someone happy, always be there when he needs your fairy hands *absolutely hate this superwoman part. Gee, I wont do this again.

There were some boys whom I had fallen in love with some years ago. Flowers delivery every night, many short stories he had wrote in a weekly local newspaper, lots of uniqueness methods which always made me amaze, poems, periodically message on my favorite radio station, and lots of sweetness things which I cant hold on those. Thought me how to dream with our own thought, gave me freedom, everyday was so interesting. How forceful it was made.

Every time I felt a broken heart, I was just wishing that I was a musician who could play a piano and guitar so I wouldn’t give my precious tears down for nothing. I wish I don't have asthma and have an extra budget for having a cigarrette for wasting my time and forget this man, and many if-only-i-was. But I’m not that gifted one, I just made myself tired everyday with crying all night long listening too many songs until the morning came and poked me with a big-panda-eyes while my iPod earphone still stuck on my ears playing somebody’s lyrics, my heart felt so empty and felt like “God, please don't take him away from me, he’s my world” feeling. And I try to put my positive way everyday, I’m waiting and waiting. Remember nothing about this girl, and all of those made me so black and blue. I just gave sorry for myself, and told myself with how-stupid-you-are words.

Slowly but sure I've tried to move on, and kept on running with my world, I tried to fix my heart, but I’m not a person who could make a good relation of a lover turned into friend relationship, it’s so not me at all. So for my best, when I got the time realize  a relationship had to passed from my life, I  immediately erased and threw away everything related with. Phone number, photos, messages, stuffs, and anything, anything about the boyfriend-thing, I wont discuss any situation between me and him. It’s enough, I’m done. Either just one HI word, just no. This is the way to appreciate and give honor for myself.

And now, after many loves and broken hearts, I decide for not wasting my time to let stupidity tragedy ruin my life again but I’m so thankful for knowing that-missing-part people in my life. Apologize if I have to end the relationship with coldness, I’m sorry if I just hurt you with surrender for your ignorance, apologize if I won’t give you greetings anymore. I wouldn’t go if the reason not killing me too much, I wont stay with the uncertainty too long.

With this new lovely man, please wish me luck. Mystery and surprises still locking this castle of life. But his love and smiles will always work for this Belle.

I wrote this post a week before my wedding. And oh yes, I'm married at the present.