Olhide doesn't know.

I don't know what I've done

or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

Jeev has a man. Olhide. Just call him Olhide.
Olhide in one close eye just a man in a silent tone and living a circulate with monophonic of philosophy and process of life in some pages of a deary. Olhide doesn't know, that in every hard word which belongs to Jeev, it's a truly a respectful notice from her.

Once Jeev felt so lonely in her morning elegance awaken, when the sun shane and had turned off its candles of flame, Olhide just hugged her, a tight hug, and he said 'baby, how fat you are...'

But in present time, when every morning stops by and says hi, it's still empty. Sad and lonely. Practicing herself cause when Olhide just immediately dissapeared, away from hook of her little finger, she should stand up in her own foot with her own both thumbs. She realizes how Olhide took some parts from her desire for waking up in each and everyday.

There were sounds in my head

little voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

and I found myself listening

Olhide never made his laugh at foremost side of his girl, but Jeev always gets a fortunate wind when she found that this would be the second day of Olhide's for not making his bath, even Olhide got sweaty sweat last afternoon when playing kick-the mangoes with his little niece is all sorts of reasons from this. Eymeel is the name of that little girl. In an university which has Hubert Glovessoc as its leader, Olhide just turns his glasses up and down while he's whispering, 'baby, what a charming prince I am...'

Olhide has some prides. He has a pride of loving some odd numbers when he decides the number of his horses. Olhide has a pride when his hair still looks wet although it's some kilometers of his ride in every twilight. Olhide has a pride when nobody knows that Jeev, an ordinary young lady, is a part of his secret hide and seek, benefiting him for looking others virginias. But it Olhide himself who doesn't know that Jeev is so into him, not having a pride at all for becoming her sweetheart, but it seems an appearence of Jeev's heaven in each and every Olhide's laugh.

Cause I don't know who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Olhide always teaches Jeev some trust and faith within in this life to her. It has been starting when Jeev didn't have a tolerance at all, not even a little tolerance when she found her ex-lover ran aside to White Ponny Village, making out and falling in love with that Chief's daughter, named with Soyara. This girl's name will remind to an origami side, cause when Jeev got the family tree of this circle, she found out the Chief is still predicated as a gambler who been married to a Japanese's wife who was making a colony in that village.

Does Olhide know, Jeev will give him every freedom which is authorized in this world for him, although she may not always accompany him in each and every second. She wishes. She does this wish every second, 'God, I hope I'll always beside him, athough I just only can reminding...'

See, I thought love was black and white

That I was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just a torn inside

Olhide always teaches some loves to Jeev, cause she never said i love you while kissing him tenderly, it's all about her who got a condition when her ex-lover just left her beside when making love showed up became a reason. But does Olhide know, Jeev just wants that lips will make some smiles and starting lots laughs. Just the two of Olhide and Jeev. Even now Jeev still crying when remembering.

Cause I don't know who I am without you

And all I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Olhide loves for having a night in a beach, listening some waves thundering, and accompanied with wedang jahe which represented by Twenty One City while his eyes spanning for looking another lady for his future wife to be proposed. In the same time, Jeev just feels so happy when she's staring a painting which had been given by Olhide for her while covering with her blueny blanket, and accompanied with three candles which must be changed for this week. But does Olhide know, Jeev is waiting an ask for stopping by in a toast store and wondering Olhide will say, 'baby, i love this drink...'

To be left by Olhide, Jeev should grow her age in a mature side. Handling all her loneliness when morning come, hiding her tears when longing the moments, and waiting some miracles if that book will be coloured again by her. But does Olhide know, Jeev only has the one and only shoulder when those three wishes could not be happened.

Her aspiration right now is only a happiness for the one she loves. Another present aspiration is only making everyone happy when standing next to her. The other one will be thanking God for her eyes, for the air she breathes in, for her hands and her feet which will always belong to her. Cause anything that Olhide knows about Jeev is only her dumbness, although she always sings in her hopes.

Does Olhide know, all of these just only for him?

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

Selamat Ulang Tahun Papah

Pah.. Selamat Ulang Tahun ya..

Sehat selalu.. Sayang kita selalu.. Ganteng selalu..

Papah yang hebat selalu..

(Padang, August 18th 2009)

Suddenly I See

One of the greatest thing I'll always remember from my childhood is a cup of hot chocolate milk in my every-little girl-day. I had to drink it from a fully volume, then finished it until the last drop. I do this since (hm... i can't remember the time specifically) I was in a red-white uniform (it's elementary school, dude..=p) until I reached my high school period. It has been disappeared when I was starting my college time, I've been living by myself in my parent's house in Jogja at that time, owyees you're right, it caused by i'm too lazy to make a cup of milk every morning of course, hehe... It sounds simple huh, but I'll tell you what make it special as being a part of my life: my mother.

I rarely have mother-daughter time with her. When every girl has been spending their adolescent period with sharing the stories about everything which had been happened that day, telling whom they love at the present, learning how to stick on make up on their face, buying their first bra, sparing opinions about the fashion we're wearing... Hufp, neihaa... it just happened (maybe) twice in a year. My mom has a career in her life, she'd been doing her seven-five activity each day in a whole week, then on Saturday-Sunday, her status will became with out of home with her office's mate. I've to admit this, at that time I hate to have a mother like her, at that time, but the best thing I'll always remember about her is she'd been always spend her rush schedule with making breakfast for my family every morning, and yes i'll repeat it again, the best part is that hot chocolate milk -part. I always sad when my mom had to go out of city for her duties. I just noticed this when someday I wake up in a morning-school-day, then I realized that there was no hot chocolate milk which my mom usually made. I felt so.. gloomy, and suddenly I see, it was hurt when I realize I was having a day without her. Although everyday was only represented by a cup of hot chocolate milk.

I often to think, how the world will run if there's no me in there. Is it ok? Is there someone who will miss me that much? Or will it feel miserable so far? What does it feel? Do I really matter with my own life? And of course there's so many other WHATS which keep dancing in my blank experimental mind.

I have a relationship named bestfriend with not more than five if I want to spell it on quantity. But thank God, my bestfriends are people with their great life.

Bestfriend is a subject who will always search and miss you when you're undiscovered, bestfriend will always know how to make you safe and warm. How can I know...

This' not first time I do think about this. When this feeling come to my mind, I usually make myself dissapears for a while in my own world. Turn off my mobile phone, go to the place I don't know, driving all day long around the city, and living somebody's world. It's like stopping my own personality become somebody that I really want at that time. And it will feel good when I return to my real life and there're many people will be asking me with this magical words, "where have you been, dear.."

That will make an answer how a day in the world will run without me :)

I've found this pop draw when last week I visited my house in bekasi. I've made it in the past when I was feeling alone. I was so happy when I found this kind of scrawl. For me, a sketch can recall a memory behind, but if it was bad, i'll remember that with a process I've successfully passed with a great mark ;)

Hellogoodbye

I hate a farewell. Anything about farewell, you named it, i hate it! Why I have to faced too many farewells in this year, God.. First, my favorite man (I have to let him go, coz i knew we can't make it :'( then i have to make a great long distance conversation with all my bestfriends coz i have to moved to Jakarta.. following all of those statements, i had to make a bank of yearning for my dearly family and my cutey cat Molly in Jogja. I hate being alone.. I hate it. I hate it.. I hate it a lot.

Last night I was back for attending a farewell again. It was for my manager in my office, Pak Azzam. Me and my officemate made some games in a bowling court, he came late, therefore we just had a few minutes for having chitchat before he left us to Malaysia this week..

Is it ok if i tell you that I feel hurt to lost him.. I hate it! It seems to create a question in my mind, why I can't have a best person in my life a little longer? Why...

In early morning, he texted me and said that I have to take care in myself.. Be sincere and keep my feet on the ground, he asked me to mail him once in a while.. I will, Pak.. You tought me a lot.. :'(

I will always keep your advice in my mind..

(me, mba Anggi, Elsa, mba Shanty, Pak Azam, mba Atik, mbaTina, Jibie, Adit)

P e n i n s u l a

Well you see, as everything combines
And from the heart of your lips, I'm getting a headache
Your laugh defines me to let you go
Before losing hold and abandoning

Because I would never ask you for that
Already you are treating me like a big child
We have nothing to lose
Besides our lives that we leave aside

But he loves me still and me I love you a little stronger

It is enough of these loops
It's harder to do otherwise
Because without laughing it's easier to dream
At what we would be able, never again to touch

We take each other's hands like children
The happiness on our lips, a little naive
And we walk together from a decided step
Until our heads yell at us to stop everything

He loves me still, and you, you love me a little stronger
But he loves me still, and me I love you a little stronger
And despite that, he loves me still, and me I love you a little stronger

v arum v

R a d i a n c e

I am happy today!!!

maybe it's time to trust somebody new

D I S C O N T E N D E D

+ I had my overtime work until 8 pm today :(

+ I miss having someone for sharing my day

+ I'll have my flight in early morning to Jogjakarta tomorrow, but until this late I haven't pack my luggage yet

+ Just thinking to cut my hair . . .

+ Still wondering why, and how

+ Time goes by, I'm sober but completely empty inside

wish me a nice flight tomorrow, ok?

S R I K A N D I

It's April, and raining outside. In Indonesia, April will be labelling as Kartini's day, April 21th. Although I spent my childhood in Sumatera and Kalimantan, but i think some javanese custom still stuck on my mind. It could be caused by my dad who has a predicate as a Jogja's indigenous. Hm, I don't know exactly when I'd starting this, but until now I can't get enough of anything about Srikandi.

Srikandi is a goddess in Javanese legend. She is Prabu Dupadra's daughter, king of The Pancala. Her mom is Dewi Gandawati, the descendant of Prabu Gandabayu and Dewi Gandini. The siblings of Srikandi are Dewi Drupadi (wellknown as Dewi Kresna) and Arya Drestadumna. This is the best part from Srikandi: she had passion in a military and expert using the arrow. She got this from her husband, named Arjuna. She has no son from Arjuna, pitiful. But until now, she is a legendary for women soldier. She's smart, strong, struggle, and superb. There's many version of Srikandi's life. I just adore her as a trully hero.

In our life, I'm sure all of you have a part of being surrender with a woman. Who for? Yeah, It can be your mom, your dear, your sister, or anyone! Trust me, being a woman is not as pretty easy as it looks. We have a lot of emotions more than our material logic. But sometimes we can do the logically-impossible things in an impossible way. Why? Hahaha, because we have that hidden power. Yhuhu, we rock!!

Sometimes it feels hard being the first daughter in my family, besides I have a javanese blood in mine. Before I want to act about something, my brain's button will be automatically switched into this mode: think what people think about that. Damn, it's just like a confusing reaction! Being a first daughter will be the first of anything. I'll be asked by myself for this word everyday: treasury. But now, I learn that: everyone must be a hero for theirself. You have to start something different to make a change.

Last week I was traveling to Semarang and Yogyakarta. As always: duty call. I won't tell a lot of stories about this project, but I'll share some moments which is captured in time, okay :)

Hm, when I back to Jakarta, I did some photo session with my lil sis (again), oh great, she's great in posing along. Do some freelance photograph can make a desire inside, enjoy my shots :

::: p L a y f u L L :::

credit title:

the model vs the photographer :)